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Jul. 27th, 2008 08:00 pm
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X-Fails


Review

This would have made a better episode than a movie, if it were cleaned up.
There's about one hour of good content the rest is silly and drawn out.

Sub-Plot

Scully is a doctor at a religious medical facility for rare diseases and terminally ill patients, she's treating a young boy who has no hope
Scully is constantly thwarted by a priest on the board. He wants to discharge her patient but she still places hope in a radical stem cell treatment.

Appearances

Scully's long hair reflects the fact that she no longer works for the FBI, it's a nice change.
Mulder is a recluse. To reflect this he now has a scruffy wood-chuck beard. It's unkempt and goofy looking.

Main Plot

The main plot covers controversial experiments that were being done on dogs in Russia. By replacing a dog's head with another head the dogs are supposed to be able to live for a certain period of time. A demented Russian has set up a medical facility where he is keeping his lover alive by placing the man's head on the bodies of his victims.

There is a psychic priest who was a pedophile but has reformed and is trying to repent for his sins by saving his victims with the FBI.
The priest's connection to the crime is that the man who is having his head transplanted onto new bodies is one of his former victims.

Plot Holes:

A the beginning of the movie the first victim to go missing is a female FBI agent.
The Russian appears to be exclusively targeting females at the local swim club.
If we can assume that the man who masterminded this plan is smart, why target an FBI agent?

The movie also points out several times that "The Dogs are Barking"
This is mentioned so many times that one begins to believe that the dogs are going to play
some supernatural role in the movie. There are some two headed guard dogs on the Russian's property,
one can only assume that these are early experiments. Why are these dogs two headed when the Russian's lover's head is clearly just sewn onto the body of his victims after their own heads are removed. Is it feasible that a random head could be sewn onto a dog's shoulder or neck region and live without a spinal cord or nerve endings? Why is Fox Mulder such a dick that he'd kill the vicious dog head and leave the other one to whimper in pain on the lawn?

Not all of the dogs that are barking are experimental. We can only assume that they smell the animal tranquilizer that was used on Cancer Boy otherwise there's no really reason for people to keep staring blankly into space and saying "the dogs are barking... I hear them, I hear the dogs."
Good for you, I hear a straight jacket zipper.

Mulder and Scully are now lovers. I would love to say finally but their scenes are so awkward and drawn out that one thinks Mulder is more sexually attracted to Skinner, who cradles him for body warmth at the end.
There are three painfully long scenes between Mulder and Scully.

I. Mulder and Scully randomly cuddle in bed. This is to emphasize that, Hey! We're sleeping together. One Their relationship is long term, so why is Scully compelled to pull away from Mulder and make note of the fact that his beard is scratchy? Duh Dr. Scully.
How long has he had the thing? Two days? Possibly, because he makes a dash for the bathroom to hack it all off. Good call Fox.

II. The semi-awkward not breakup in the locker room. What is this high school? Jesus Scully, you knew he was bat-shit before you slept with him.
Twenty minutes of "I can't do this anymore. I don't believe. You believe. I don't believe. We're different. We come from different cliques. I'm from the non-believers. You're from the believers. Blah blah blah. I asked you to do this, now I want out. I REALLY respect you! And since I RESPECT you, you can keep doing this... but if you do, no nookie-dookie get off a' mah cookies. Wow way to be a an irresponsible bitch Scully.
It's like you gave a kid a lifetime supply of cake and then refused to love him when he got fat.

III. Really random 80's style makout scene. This is gratuitous fan pandering complete with slow motion and cheesy elevator music.
Like five people have died and Mulder and Scully just want to makout, for you. There's no reason for this.
It's not like she saved him from something mean and nasty and they had an adrenaline fueled kiss.
And why is this scene like twenty minutes long. I love Mulder and Scully but I was tapping my knee impatiently waiting for the train wreck to continue.


Random Bullshit and Propaganda:

Why is the priest a pedophile? Why are the two crazies gay? Stay with me here.

The movie is trying its damnedest the entire time to pull some Lady and the Tiger bullshit, and it fails.
First, does the pedophile priest deserve forgiveness for his pedophilia? Since he "apparently had no choice"
and is now trying to do gods work? If, as the priest seems to claim, his nature isn't controllable it's something
god has inflicted upon him, wouldn't that make god a sick fuck? Why ask for forgiveness from something if you
believe it's inflicted something so horrible upon you, something you have no control over?

We have the Cancer guy who was raped by the priest, which is how they share a psychic link...
This is seriously confusing as hell:

If this guy is gay, why does he want female bodies?
If his lover is interested in him as a male, again, why are they exclusively using female bodies?
This is never explained in the movie. Is he a transvestite?
Again why is father Joe the good guy here, seriously.

Random Female Agent Woman:

There is a random female FBI agent who calls Mulder in on the case at the beginning.
She doesn't believe in psychics or the paranormal but she's willing to piss off the higher ups
by calling in Mulder.. for whatever reason.

If she doesn't believe you'd think she'd be glad to have Scully there instead you have a couple of marked territory moments,
it seems like she has a thing for Mulder. This goes nowhere. For half of the movie she plays a major role in excavations and team leadership.
When she's no longer needed, she is shoved to her death from the top of an old warehouse. As if the tremendous drop wouldn't
have killed her, the camera zooms in on three metal cables sticking up out of the floor, just so you know she's good and impaled.

Scully, being the frigid bitch she is then proceeds to ignore all of Mulder's phone calls, while she obsesses over her decision to treat random hospital boy with stem cells.

Mulder, obviously, seizes the opportunity to run off alone, like a jackass, to his doom.
Instead of taking an ax in the face, Scully, based on a comment by the good Father about a psalm matching the number on the mad scientist's mailbox, runs up just in time to kill the Russian.

Scully still does not believe. Seriously, does an alien have to punch her in the face with his brother's autopsy reports before she'll believe?

Scully returns to the operating room after whining about how she can't believe she's put the boy through such excruciating pain, based upon the words of a pedophile. She rambles about how she shouldn't finish the surgery.

Seriously, you've already put him through two rounds of pain, he has one more. Shut up and do your job.

The move ends with some "godly elevator music" as Scully starts the operation.

Choose your ending. Oh... so profound. Do you want to believe?

Stick with the episodes. You can get any season you want at Walmart right now for $20 dollars.
Take your ticket money and make an investment that won't make your brain bleed.

Date: 2008-07-28 12:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pirateystripes.livejournal.com
Mulder/Skinner FTW!

Yeah, your post pretty much sums everything I thought about the movie. You were much more eloquent about it though. I didn't even know where to start!

I totally wanted to dropkick Scully in the face several times during the movie. There's a first time for everything! lol

Date: 2008-07-28 12:42 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] myrddin.livejournal.com
I had to get it out.
I was really looking forward to the movie.
Honestly, I didn't have high expectations.
I didn't think it would be the best movie ever.
I just wanted something cool. Worm Holes, Time Travel, Spontaneous Combustion, whatever. It would have been awesome if Mulder got his sister back.
The episodes used to have plot holes, but they were never horrible enough to make me say I can't deal with this.
The movie was just so bad though.

I forgot to write about the crime scene.
I love how they pull up to the wrong house in an attempt to trick the good Fr.
They had to turn into the driveway from the main road. The correct house was like three feet across the street and covered in crime scene tape.
I was like... right Mulder, it takes a real psychic to notice the house across the street is covered in bright yellow plastic. Clearly you are trying to trick me, this isn't the right house.

I wish I'd gone to see Dark Knight again instead. xD

Date: 2008-07-28 01:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ubervirgin.livejournal.com
"but if you do, no dookie"

I really hope you meant no NOOKIE. Dookie is poo.

Does Mulder die?

It would be better if he and Skinner ran off to have buttsecks.

Date: 2008-07-28 04:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] myrddin.livejournal.com
I'm leaving it the way it is. Dookie's funnier because I imagine it's along the lines of what Skully's offering at this point.

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